Well She Made My Day Once Again

It hurts her to know that she are pained. Knowing that she is unable to hold you tightly when she has been knocked down and unable to rise. Thinking often about why she would even begin to waste her time on her. What makes her so special? High hopes, high dream so far from reality. Wishing that her words had a slight impact on her. But she knows that they dont and they probably never will. Confused about why she makes such a big deal out of nothing. Always expanding things so far out of proportion. Exaggeration -- like an illness. Making something out of nothing. Nothing will happen and if that's the way it is, so be it. She will learn to deal with and get over it. She is and will be envious of the girl who gets to hold her close and tell her that everything is going to be okay. Jealous of the one who gets to see her smile and brighten up her day. If only she knew what she is doing to her.

Comparisons Are Easily Done

It's a strange feeling, this feeling. Happiness from the unknown. Making her forget all that she regrets and everything that created darkness and dispair in her life. Talking with this unknown makes her feel cared about. Helping her regain the hope she needs to continue on. A miricle sent down from above to show her that things will, can and are getting better. The tears no longer have to be shed. The heart no longer needs to break nor bleed. She is starting to regain the strength she had in the past. She has found the simplest way to complete her day and satisfy her mind and heart. Still wishing that it could have happened in a less compicated way -- but this will do. She now knows that she is not the only one who is recently endured such pain. Perhaps, they can overcome it together. Getting to know about the unknown as time passes on, she sees that she deserves the best and hopes the best for her.
Inner and outter beauty.

Unaware Of The Stare From Someone

Meeting a stranger tomorrow. Nervous? Yes. Excited? More like exstatic! Recent online friends, possibly more? She is conceited, but she has her reasons. The attraction towards her is unbarable. Antisipating the day or tomorrow. Is it normal for it to feel like Christmas Eve?
Things are so mysterious, dangerous and thrilling and she can't wait. Feeling as if she is possibly trying too hard. Trying to tell herself to stay calm and just be herself. If things are meant to work out, they will. Do not push. One step at a time.

• Step 1. The Phone call
• Step 2. The meet and greet
• Step 3. Hitting it off?
• Step 4. The escape plan.

Wish Things Would've Just Stayed The Same

Change. Why must things change so drasticly? Sure, everything happens for a reason, but what about the plans they shared together? How did they manage to let it all fall apart -- let themselves drift so far from eachother. Now travelling down roads they did not want to travel alone. Fate and love will bring some of them together, but should that have to push other farther apart? That doesn't seem the least bit fair. A big house, with four bedrooms and eight roommates is now being torn down piece by piece. Something needs to be done about this. They can't let their inhibitions take over and tear such an amazing bond apart. Feeling so lost and alone without the words of the ones that she needs the most, that she loves most. She based her life around such fantastic people. Do they not realize what has happened? How can people who cared so much for eachother just forget? Not caring about the situation just isn't an option for Hopeful. Wishing these broken relationships can get fixed -- glued back together. If they tried, they could all heal ... together.

Screaming Inside That I'm Sorry

She would have never imagined that her, of all people, would leave her. Leave her drowning in her own tears. Who knew words could be so hurtful, stabbing her like an arrow. She made her feel as if nothing is ever going to work out the way she hopes it will. Crushing all aspects of hope and desire in her life. The silence between the two breaks her each and everyday. She was the one she turned to when things were going wrong. Apparently this time, she took it too far. She is sorry more than she could even imagine. The last thing she wants is to be without her. Though the sun is shining, nothing but clouds and rain fill her heart. If she is reading this, she hopes that she will understand she did not mean to upset her, and all she wants is her back. She is on her knees begging for forgiveness.

Getting Close To What We Cannot Recognize

"What is this thing called life?" shes asks her, as they endulge in conversation. Unable to find the purpose to why they are here in this "life". Realizing that we all just live to die. What is the point to making a difference on another's life, if they too are just living to die. Finding no point to any of this. Life is nothing but a dream? Such reality has never felt so much like a dream or illusion. How are we to know that we are nothing but characters in anothers dream? With everyday that passes such tragedy occurs, but all for what? Death? This all seems so absurd to her. What are we aiming to achieve after we are torn with sadness and dispair or exstatic with happiness and joy? Death? It all just seems so mind-boggling. Do not misunderstand her though. This is not a call for suicide. Simply questions. Questions that will remain unanswered for the rest of our lives. Thoughts.

Thoes Three Words

Wondering why when people say "i love you" the other person is complelled to say it in return. If two people are in a relationship and one says to the other "i love you" and the other does not say it back, does that mean that that person doesn't love the other? She believes that you should not have to explain to another your feelings for them. If you love someone, then you know. If someone loves you back, than you know that as well and should not have to be reminded. Pety arguments about such awonderful statement should not have to exist. When two people love eachother than they love eachother. End of story.

The Pain Inside Increases

Returning to the hospital, scared for anothr day of pain. It is so much to take it, so much to handle. Without her hear to hold her hand and tell her "everything will be okay" she does nothing but fear --fear what is beyond that door. As said earlier, so much to take it, but the doctors had so much to take out. Today was the day to unpack the incision created the previous day. Tears. Finally over, pills are perscribed and she is leaving. Walking slowly, unable to move at a faster pace. But where is she going? Slowly she tried to make her way to her direction. "But what dicrection is she?" Is what she is having to ask herself. He wound remains open for the time being but healing as each day passes. And as for her heart, it was healed, but is now being torn apart as days pass without her here. Trying her hardest to keep her eyes open. It's a daily struggle. She is afraid to sleep because she may miss something. Something important. Something like you re-entering her life. The sun has been set for hours and the mood has appeared. It is time for her to attempt to lay down. The pain will not leave her, not tonight anyway. Time is the only thing that can heal her wound. To heal her heart, she just needs you.

This Is Where I Scream From

With tears streaming down her face, screams departing from her mouth. The pain. The agony. The fear. So much blood. So many tears. Holding on for dear life, as the knives and needles dig in. Minor surgery has never felt so major. They tell her that it will be over in no time, but she knows a lie when she hears one. It feels like forever, and that they will never mend her together. Who knew, one lump could lead to days or cuts, bruises, scars and screams. She dears the awakening of tomorrow. Round two of this misery. She knows what to expect, and she is expecting the worst. Please just hold her tightly when she is set free. She has never wanted anything more. Can't somebody save her from this nightmare she is living?

Just Like Coffee And Cream

A hug from her can mean the world. When a bad day rolls around, he warm emraces washes everything away. Her number one, her girl forever. So fortunate to have met her, because she is such an incridible person. With so much beauty, so much trust and compassion. One of the largest hearts she has come to know. She feel honored to have been able to enter into her life. "You mean so much to me," she says to her. Who knew one person could effect one's life such a great amount. She hates when she gets so down about herself. It makes Hopeful feel so useless. How can she help? People shouldn't have to feel this way. Unnessacary tears that she is unable to stop from happening. All she is asking is that you seek guidence for this hurt. She doesn't want to have to see her other half go through this. Just has twins do, she feels your pain. She promises to never leave you. Even if she is to psyically leave, she will always be there in your heart and always there to leand a helping hand or a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on or a shouldr to cry on. She love your more than words. Thus why she is ending this now. Just know when she says forever, she truly means it.

• "...i love you carebear"

Far Too Unstable To Settle

Finding it so very obsured that somebody who claims that she has never felt this way about anybody in her life, can get over her so easily. It is wrong to want to feel wanted? It has never occured to her that this would happen. Best friends, momentary lovers...now fallen friends and heartbreakers. How did this happen? What is she to do? With tired eyes and fading memories she wonders this. Waiting for that rush, waiting for that push. She is seeking guidence and sincerity, and that will come yet again; with time.

Keep On Moving, Keep Climbing

Starting to take her life one step at a time. Day by day. Seeing what will be brought to her plate as each moment passes. Why think so far ahead into her life when tomorrow is still being questioned. Who knows what is to come. Fate and destiny are two things that are out of her control. As much as she tries to take hold of them, it's simply impossible. Therfore, from this day forth, Hopeful will be focusing onn the here and now, rather than the past and the future. She will leave that the the man upstairs.

One Last Day In The Shadows

Where are you? She has been wondering this for quite some time. Is it so hard to speak to her? That's all she asks, is for your words. Words of encouragement, words of wisdon, words of love. feeling so lost and incomplete without you by her side. Understanding that you have a new girl in your life, you must have better things to do that to be with her. Thoes are the thoughts that race through her mind every second of the day. It seems as if she is standing still, waiting. While you run off and live your life -- without her. A phone call or an email would satisfy this craving for you. Afraid to move, yet so afraid of standing still. Calling the doctors tomorrow. Perhaps they can help her through her dilemas. Guide her through the tears. She will wait until tomorrow. Letting the future unfold.

You Will Live To Tell

Realizing she has been missing for a day, she writes.
Yesterday -- April 03, one of the most challenging days she has had in quite some time. Yelling, screaming, shouting, crying...she can't talk much more of it. Unable to know where to turn, she tries to run...again. Love stops her; holding her tight in her arms, "You're not going anywhere". So many thoughts run through her mind as the mascara drips from her eyes, in result of her tears. She feels as if she is unable to go on. Trying to be true to herself, she is stopped with full force. Hurt and broken. Lost and confused. All faults and imperfections are being thrown in her face. What was she to do?
A small private councelling session was sceduled that night. For now, all is well. But she will just have to wait and see.
-
Today was good day for Hopeful. Work went well, conversations were held and there was not a trace of anger. She does not have much to say about today. Long-overdue family time was done today which she enjoyed quite a bit.

As Luminous As The Skye

"Today's a good day" is what her best friend told her that morning. As always, she was correct. It finially felt as if spring has sprung. Where have you been? She asks herself. The sun was shining and everything was going according to plan. She smiled all day which was a nice change for her. She has never felt more content than she has felt all day. Perhaps this is a turn-around, from tears to joy, from pain to warmth. Only time will tell. While everything in her day goes so smoothly, she realizes how lucky fortunate she truly is. Friends and family who love hr more than life and who would do anything for her. Realizing that sometimes circumstances may seem difficult, but we all pull through in the end. "Today was a good day"she replies. Hopeful has never had such a friend like she has now. A friend who is there no matter what! She wiill never turn her back on her and constantly reasures her that she will never forget Hopeful. This friend, this best friend, is more of an angel...more of a blessing. She wishes that she could have the same impact on her life, as this angel has made on hers. Who knew that such an amazing person could even exisit. So full of life and optimism, she strives to have such an attitude. If anybody is fortunate enough to have such a person in their lives, she encourages you to grab hold of that person's heart, and hold it with compassion and trust...never letting it go and never forgetting. She is one of the most amazing people to have ever walking into Hopeful's life, and she is greatful beyond belief. Thank-you.

I'm Afraid Of Losing You (Again)

"Some random came up to me, and asked me if i was gay. I was like, uh..no, and he was like, oh you look gay, then walked away" -- Annonymous
She never did understand how it was possible for one to "look gay". How is it that the way a person looks can resemble their sexual preferance? She would like to know if it is because of the colour of their hair? Skin tone? Eye Colour? Is there a gay dress code? She was wondering if there was a certain look for thoes who are straight. When Hopeful first came out as a lesbian people would tell her, "You are too cute to be gay". Does this mean that thoes who are not straight, are not beautiful. She finds this odd, because some of the msot beautiful people she knows are homosexual, bisexual, pansexual or transgender. Hopeful had this conversation with one of her best friends. She once pushed her out of her life, and she was convinced it was for good...until today. The comfort of her smile and the slightest telephone call, reassured her that this friendship was meant to last. Life without her had been so upsetting. Seeing her almost everyday, without her. That tore her apart inside, but she dare not let that show. Afraid of showing weakness and regret and just kept on walking. Today we embraced eachother with the most heart-warming hug that she has had in a very long time. Appologizing for the pain she had caused her in the past. Smiling with ease, her heart is at peace. She is back in her life. She will love you always. On her heart, she has made her mark.